Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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