She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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