Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
