i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
