Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I love having hate sex.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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