I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
