I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So many bounce houses so little time
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
false alarm, still single
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
