where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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