everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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