I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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