She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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