fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
