its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
