so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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