U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
