My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
