i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
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Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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