I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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