I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
