Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
