I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I cockslap morals
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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