i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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