So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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