She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
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Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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