I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
