please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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