We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I have tasted many bathrooms
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
