Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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