areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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