It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
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No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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