omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
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We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
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I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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