I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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