This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
