she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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