I faked an abortion last night.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
