I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
