Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
