best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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