Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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