im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
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