there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
