Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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