a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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