you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
