New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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