we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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