dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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