dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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