I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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