I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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