Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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